White Witches & International Insults
Dear Toronto:
Thanks for being such a gracious host. My friend, Lori, and I had a wonderful visit during our weekend getaway.
We left DC on Air Canada on Thursday evening and arrived at the Toronto Pearson International Airport around 9:30 pm. Our first stop was customs, which, as usual, had long lines and a bit of a wait (it didn’t help that I had drank a bottle of water on the plane and now really needed a bathroom).
While I’m waiting, I look around at all the different people in line. In the line next to me, but slightly ahead of me, is a woman with short, crimson hair. Because I’m a big movie geek, the first thing I think of is “That looks like Tilda Swinton.” The Toronto Film Festival is in town, so it’s not out of the question that she would be at the airport. After she goes through customs, the woman turns to look back at her companion, and lo and behold, it is Tilda.
Past customs, I tell Lori “I just spotted my first celebrity.”
“Who?”
“Tilda Swinton.”
Blank expression. “Who’s she?”
“She was in ‘Chronicles of Narnia’ and ‘Constantine’.”
“Oh.” Still no recognition.
Five minutes later, while waiting for the bus, Lori says, “Sooo, her name was Tootsie Swonstanstine, right?” I die laughing.
My customs agent is a 30-ish guy with a goatee circa 1995. I’ve forgotten to fill in my address on my customs form, and take the pen off his computer keyboard to write it in.
“No, you can’t use that,” he deadpans. I start to put it back. “I’m just kidding.”
“Oh, OK, I was about to say, you guys are pretty strict!” I joke.
“No, we’re Canadians. It’s Americans you have to watch out for.”
(Is he joking back? I have no idea.) “Why is that?”
“In America, if you have a big gun, you get what you want.” (That is what he said, verbatim.)
“Well, that’s the dream I guess,” I say, trying to laugh it off. (This is bizarre.)
The customs agent then proceeds to grill me about how much I paid for my trip to Canada. How much was my ticket to Virgin Fest? Why am I only going for one day? Where am I staying? How much is the room per night? I wonder if this is how you catch a terrorist — with numbers and prices.
Needless to say, I make it through in the clear. We take the bus into the city, and check into our hostel at around 10:30 pm.